December 30, 2006
Turn it faster
===December 31, 2005===
At the eleventh hour
Mayday, Mayday.
It's the eve of a new year's new day.
'One crazy thing each year.'
I still remember.
Mostly surprises, a few shocked, a handful expected.
All in stride, falling in place as time gathered.
A few rocky transitions.
More than a few good decisions.
A poor poem attempt here.
Long enough to round up the exiting year.
===
===December 31, 2006===
Mostly? Shocks.
Mostly? Disillusions.
Mostly? Hurt.
Mostly? Disappointments.
Mostly? I miss you. Terribly.
The new year is just a passing of another day... and that day will soon become a day of the past too. What's new will, sooner than you think, become old. There is no real difference. No real difference.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 22:02
How about this?
I can feel a fever creeping up. First I felt a cold bug. And I loaded on Vit C and water. But I can feel a bad, bad cough n cold coming up.
Is this a good way to pass an old year? Is this a good way to cross the year? Just lying on the bed, sick.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 15:42
Randomly...
So, we just don't talk because... we are not the gossipy type, we don't like to talk about things that are non-consequential, we are used to each other's silence, we are used to our own silence in each other's company, we msg each other at about the same time, we either accept the things that come our way or we don't see a point in harping on things we can't accept but have little choice anyway, we don't whine often, we are tired (and not just physically), we prefer to listen, we prefer to let the others make the noise...
But we hardly ever quarrelled. Just once. Almost. Because of Apple's church wedding.
We are Wenn and me.
xxx
We are today's gay couple. Only because under***ed gf is not here (haha!). Because she said I looked gay... then added 'today'. I think it's her perception problem. She insisted it's not. And because we were very 'touchy' today.
It's a new gesture of 'affection' - ruffling my hair. What the? It's nice, really. But, she's the so wrong person! I feel like I'm being someone's substitute... Damn!
But I love how we both ducked when Apple threw the bridal bouquet. It was so coming straight at either of us. We could have easily gotten hold of it. But, we didn't. 'Cos she can't imagine getting married. And me, I can't imagine getting married to anyone else yet. Guess we rather someone else get cursed.
She is Kyn.
xxx
She would have been busying around with Wenn and me too. She would have been involved in the decorating too. And during the gatecrash, join Wenn and me on the sofa, watching MTV channel (because we were supposed to be on the observing fence, timekeeping). She would be the 3rd person in the jiemei group to not wear a dress.
I wished she was there.
She is Kay.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 15:14
December 29, 2006
Randomly...
I was crossing the road to my block just now. I just suddenly felt glad that you are coming back. I guess I really like you so much better when you are at home, home here. Not when you behave like some paranoid and cranky bitch when I went over to your other home. Not so much a home, more an office.
xxx
I went KTV-buffet again. 2nd time in a week. This time, with my parents and my sisters and their boyfriends. Family event. I still don't know who's the one who managed to persuade my dad to go. Amazing. Maybe my threat worked. I said I would only go if he does. But, he refused mah, in the beginning.
Anyway, I sang. This time. A few songs with my sisters.
It was this song that my sister chose and sang with her boyfriend that made me miss her so much. I blinked and blinked so I won't cry.
It is this song...
恋爱 -ing ~~ 五月天
Very chirpy and happy song. But I just felt like... sigh...
xxx
Stressed, stressed, stressed... hehe
Don't be. What will be, will be.
Just stay pretty and smile when the cameras go...
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:59
Untitled
如果美好记忆还算难忘，
为什么还会记得悲伤?
不如这样，我们一直拥抱到天亮。
如果关怀是种补偿，还有什么不能原谅?
倒不如这样，我们回到拥抱的现场。
证明感情总是善良，残忍的是人会成长。
~~ 陈奕迅 - 不如这样
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:56
December 24, 2006
Dreams - My other reality
It was Mee Len. Strange. But it was her. I think we were at Pathlight, except it didn't look like how Pathlight looks. I saw her walking into the staff room. I went in. She saw me. We went to a corner and chatted.
I told her I knew that she's working in mainstream 'cos Dr Y told me. And she asked why do I not want to continue teaching in the mainstream. I told her I was unhappy there. Then, asked if she was happy. She told me she was.
That's all. Such a short dream. And Mee Len? Actually, I still remember how she made me feel when she said, 'it's not about you, it's just that now is your turn.'
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 17:19
Randomly...
Vainity got shamelessly in love. Just look at her blog. Read how smitten she is. See how shamelessly in love she has become. Love knows no shame. But, I like. I like because this is you. You are being who you are. No fear. No shame. It only matters that you and her, you both are in love. The world can celebrate that or just sod off.
xxx
This is the kind of rainy Sunday that I imagined I will just stay home and rot and do nothing. And of course, wake up late. I did. I woke up but I didn't get out of bed. Just thinking about how dead one can wake up feeling, I laid on my bed for almost 3 hours, doing nothing. Trying to recall my dreams and doing nothing. Until quite inevitably, I got depressed and started to cry.
Why did I even bother waking up? I only decided that maybe I'd watch CSI:Miami since I didn't catch that on Wed. So, I got out of bed and I watched telly. And now, I'm still thinking, maybe I should go back to my bed... except I can't get to sleep already. It's damn fucked up.
xxx
Thought I'd enjoy singing with my girl friends again. It's been a long, long time since we last went KTV together. Thought it'd be great to sing songs from that long ago era and laugh.
But, I just couldn't sing. I couldn't even browse for songs to sing. All the songs I wanted to sing were songs we've sung and I just couldn't sing them without thinking about her. Even listening to my friends sing made me sad. It's crazy.
Thankfully, it's a KTV-cum-buffet. So, I did the other real thing. I ate. I had lots of salmon sashimi and pan-fried dory. Eating is distracting. Sleeping is engaging.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 17:05
December 23, 2006
Dreams - My other reality
It was Apple's church wedding. Everyone was in the sanctuary, ready for the march-in. I suddenly remembered I was to stand near the doors so as to receive cue from the choir head to send the flower girl and the MoH walking. So, I swiftly moved to the back of the church.
The next scene, the flower girl and the MoH were walking down the aisle already. So, I went to get Apple and Shaun ready. To my surprise, Apple was not in her bridal gown. And when I told her it's time for her to walk down the aisle, she did. But only till half of the aisle. Then, she sat down. After awhile, she walked out of the church. I was still standing at the back, astonished at what was happening.
I spoke to her outside the church. She told me she's not getting married anymore. She told me she just had a quarrel with Shaun again and she's decided she's not going to marry him anymore.
The next scene, I saw a bride walking down the aisle, in a bridal gown. I didn't see her face. But, Apple told me it was Eve. She had told Eve to just walk down the aisle instead of her because she didn't want to ruin the wedding, even if she's not going to be the bride.
Huh?
Then, the dream ended.
xxx
I received this photo slideshow from CJ. The photos were all taken at the beach. There were Cj herself, Zie, Kay and me. We were at the beach. We were swimming, playing in the sea. We were on the beach, playing frisbee. I could see the expressions on each of us clearly. We were laughing, mouth wide-open, eyes smiling too. From the photos, we were having a lot of fun.
In the slideshow, Cj said something like, look at how we were in the beginning. Look at how much we laughed. And she also said she count us as her blessings.
It was a short dream.
|We were just smsing each other yesterday night about how we are blessed to have each other as friends.|
xxx
It was at some shopping centre, which vaguely reminded me of an airport. Maybe it was at the airport. I was there with Kay. We were doing some shopping. We seemed to be looking for different things. I wanted us to shop together but she seemed reluctant and impatient.
So, she said she will go look for what she wants by herself. But she said she would call me when she's done. I agreed. Then, I walked by myself. After awhile, the shopping alone became a kind of waiting for her.
Many hours must have passed. But she hadn't called me yet. I was getting tired and bored and was wondering where she was. In this dream, I had a handphone but I didn't want to call her. I didn't want to rush her or interrupt her shopping. I just kept waiting and looking at my handphone to see if she's calling.
I waited and waited. Still, no call. I wondered where she was but I still didn't want to call her. Somehow, I was sure she would call me. All I needed to do was to wait. So, I waited and looked at the time pass, minutes by minutes.
I was still waiting when the dream reached its end.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 10:42
December 22, 2006
Randomly...
I met up with Jas for dinner today. At a restaurant called Graze at Rochester Park. It's a really cosy and nice place. Very exclusive.
She dropped a few surprises on me. And talked about dropping more of those surprises on me the next time we meet. All those Happy meals that I'm going to pay for.
It's so good to see her tonight. 9 years. I knew her when she was around my age now. Oops. Did I just give away her age? It's so good because I saw in her something I hope I can see myself in, in another 5 years.
The stories we could tell...
xxx
My B.I course ended with a story of my teacher, told by himself. About facing your fears.
I just faced one yesterday. I clicked on a blog that I've been trying to avoid reading. It's changed soooo much. It's impressive. And I look at my blog layout and I think, ok, I need to work on this... sometime.
I faced the fear of knowing how much I don't figure in someone else's life anymore. And the words from the blog keep ringing in my head now. That few words. And I know it will take me awhile to hear the last of them.
Thank you, D. Thank you, Vain one. Just for being online. For the company, and for not thinking I'm the most ridiculous and stupid and silly friend you guys have.
I can't perform this anymore. I refuse to act like I can. I just want to speak my mind and stay a zillion pieces, unswept. Because I don't want to build yet another wall around the crumbles and keeping up the appearance of that wall.
xxx
I, again, felt like resting my head on someone's shoulders and take a long, long sleep. Been feeling that way a lot, these days.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:18
December 19, 2006
Dreams - My other reality
The dream had Kay (I've been dreaming her a lot...), my dad and my uncle. We were holding hands. Kay and me. My dad and my uncle were seated near us, talking. We didn't seem to be bothered about the fact that my dad and my uncle might flip if they see us holding hands. I remember thinking, what would my dad say.
The next scene, my dad actually told my uncle that it doesn't really matter whether I'm in a heterosexual relationship or a homosexual relationship. What was important was that we are happy and responsible towards each other. I remember feeling surprised.
I was wearing the perfume that I normally wear. She sniffed and told me that I smelled good. I said, 'ya, I do. I smell like your x-girlfriend, right?' She started to deny. I knew that was not what she meant, but I still said that. Just for fun. 'Cos in the other reality, we really used to joke about this. Just for fun.
Then, the dream faded away and I woke up.
|The xgf before me used the same perfume as I do. But me, I didn't choose to use that perfume. It was a gift from my sister. I was told to 'just use lahhh' before it 'expires'.|
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:07
December 18, 2006
Randomly...
Actually, I've seen him many times in the past 2 years. I believe his gf lives in Toa Payoh or near. I've seen him many times on board buses/trains, at the bus stop, MRT station... always some kind of transport-related spots. But our eyes only met once. That's when we smiled at each other and looked away. That was on the bus. Kay was sitting beside me.
It's just interesting. The thing about the most familiar stranger (would sound better in Mandarin - zui shu xi de mo sheng ren). Like I smsed bblics (couldn't help it), "It's as if you will only see the people from your past when they no longer matter now". So easy to bump into 'strangers'.
xxx
Had a so-so dinner with Shaohao today. I still don't know what's the name of the restaurant that we had dinner at. Didn't occur to me to find out too, since the food was so-so and not exactly cheap.
But the company was lovely. The company made me a bet, that I am going to get attached (not, again!) from now till Dec 31 2007. He said it's just a feeling he got.
Feelings. I don't like that at all. Totally unreliable, totally unreal (at this point in my time). But, it was a bet I couldn't not accept.
'We shall see,' he said.
Yes. We shall see. Thank you for the compliments, dear!
xxx
The rain is here. The monsoon. My sis said that the weather forecast said it would last the whole of this week.
We should just stay home, sip hot tea and read or watch some DVDs. And make a lot of people envy us. Teachers. And the unemployed.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:54
December 17, 2006
Randomly...
Bblics' theme seems to be 'distance'. I told her it's 'escaping' over sms. But I think distance is a more objective term. She's always running away, or having some kind of distance from 'him'.
Distance. How far is far? So near yet so far.
My theme seems to be 'desire, unattained'. I always want something and I so clearly know what I wanted. But, even in the end, I never got what I wanted. It just ended quite cruelly.
Desire. All that I deny that I want in reality claw out for my attention from sandman's bag.
I'm talking about dreams. What her dreams and my dreams seem to revolve around.
xxx
This is a soft rock weekend. The very best during which to spend the whole day on the bed, sipping tea and reading. The best.
xxx
The first last day in 2007 is January 31. I have to stay till then because my bank just got credited with my pro-rated bonus a couple days ago. Then, I begin, again, at a new workplace.
MOE was the last decision we made together. The afternoon I submitted my application online at her house, from her notebook, was a very sunny one. I remember I didn't even hit the 'submit' button. She did it for me.
And, my decision now is to terminate that decision. Aiyah, I'm just thinking too much. But, you know what, I do feel a little, a slight sadness. Even if I know, at this given point in time, it's the right decision.
xxx
Somehow, next week is going to be packed as well. Strange. 'Cos I didn't think I would have so much things to do, so many people to catch up with after I returned from HK. But, this week's been pretty busy. I wish I have more time in the afternoons.
Next week, I'm having a break from tuition. So, at least, I can go work on my plan on getting bit more tanned in the morning. I'm already one shade more tanned (according to Kenneth, whom I met 2 days ago). =)
xxx
What does 'friday or something' mean?
Let's go get some afternoon tea, talk a little, and watch the world go by... Just like we used to. We used to.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:40
Illegible memory
Her memory can't be read. How nice. For her. For me too, IF I were her.
But, I'm not. And, I'm the user. I need her memory to be read so that I can use it! What do you mean by 'memory can't be read'? It's ridiculous. She's still barely 2 weeks old in my house!
Ok. I need to call MS for help.
Spoke to the same helpdesk person on the two times that I called the international helpline. Brian. Hmm. Probably cos I always call near midnight. He's on this shift. But, still, what a coincidence.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:36
December 14, 2006
Who came home with you?
It happens that the song playing on the radio now is 'Home'.
xxx
I was on the feeder bus back home from my B.Indo class. The back exit of the bus couldn't close. It stalled us for three minutes. Or so.
The bus captain got out of his throne and took a piece of tissue to wipe the sensor of the exit doors. I thought to myself, 'So, is it because the sensor sensed something that we obviously can't see?' I mean, who's to say it's not possible?
Could it be a friend? A lover? A husband? A wife? A mother? A father? Someone who got on the bus and didn't actually have to tap on the Ezlink card reader. Someone who stood on the steps of the exit and prevented the doors from closing. Someone who was there in presence but not in form. Someone who had found it hard to say goodbye.
Well? ... haha
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:15
December 12, 2006
Walking hazard
Cj sent me a msg to ask about whether the place I stayed at in Bintan was any good. I stayed at Mayang Sari resort twice. With oh, you-know-who. Cj smsed me and I had this flashback of the room we stayed at. I can't remember the name of the room for the second time. But the first time was Stingray 2. It was a really nice room. Nice resort.
I had this scene of us building sandcastles under the hot sun and playing frisbee on the beach. We watched League of Extraordinary Gentlemen there too.
Don't think I'm heading for the place anymore. In fact, I can't even entertain the idea of going on a getaway to any kind of beach resorts anywhere. Too much association.
xxx
So, after replying her msg of what I thought of the place, I found myself walking towards a road junction. I was going home from tuition. And I was not giving any thought to the traffic. I saw the cars stop. Stopped. The red man was still not giving way to the green man. But, somehow, I walked on. I mean, the cars stopped, right?
Then, a driver beeped (beeped, because the man didn't honk, he was just trying to get my attention, I guess) at me. I tried to find a reason why he did that. And realised he had the right of way, to right turn into this lane. And he probably would have if it hadn't for me being an obvious obstacle. The turn right sign was still green. I really should have waited for the green man.
Only when I reached the other side of the road, did I realise that I had been a terrible road user. Thoughtless and distracted. I would curse myself if I had been the one behind the wheel. I could blame no one if I found myself lying on the road one day.
haha.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 14:23
December 11, 2006
It got worse since that cursed year
Lord Snowlette and St Jancy met for
his dinner this evening.
He asked her how is she recovering. Like she's been terminally ill or severely diseased. Not too far from that, actually.
He thinks she's been unwell ever since she learnt that he's getting married.
She thinks that she's never been well and knowing him in that cursed year just made it worse. Life just started going down, down, down hill from then on.
If everything goes well on thursday, it's payback time soon. Staria's waiting to play with Kavitha and Pilot V5. Aww, so sweet...
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:25
The other crazy place
Would have to be Raffles Place. 1 Raffles Place, OUB Building. My office used to be on the 50th floor. Honestly, the largest, most private office and with the nicest view I ever had. Also, the most drama and crazy people I worked for.
But, I actually like walking around in Raffles Place. Sometimes, along the Singapore river. I used to do my mugging for uni exams there, right beside the merlion. Good fengshui. Always very windy there. And no lack of snacks, no lack of coffee places, no lack of shopping. And no lack of people. So nice to just people-watch there.
I just don't like lunch time there.
My experience working there was for ridiculous bosses. But it's a place I like to roam aimlessly in. Or just sit down and stone. It, somehow, restores a little calm in me, just watching how busy other people can be.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 22:42
That crazy thing we did in NUS
In the past 6 months, there were a few times I felt really nostalgic about my university days. I would have this sudden urge to take a walk down the forum, the central library, AS1 and the arts canteen. There was one night I took the bus from my place all the way to Clementi interchange, planning to take a night stroll in NUS. I reached the interchange at 11+pm. I changed my mind while standing in queue for 96. I walked out of the queue. I sat down at the interchange and after awhile, I took the bus back home. I changed my mind because while waiting for 96, I felt extremely lonely. And I didn't feel like taking that night stroll on my own anymore. It was during a period of time when I was disillusioned with the prospect of working for what you enjoy.
I thought of going to NUS again this afternoon. After all, I was at NUH already. Shuttle bus A will quite efficiently take me from one end of the campus to the other. Then, I backed out again. I took the shuttle bus to Buona Vista Mrt instead.
xxx
The last time I was at NUS, it was with Kay. We walked around the Arts blocks. We chatted about our uni days, honours year, lunch at the arts canteen. We talked about our past relationships on a bench at the forum. Then, we walked around. It was in the night time. We sat down at the lovers' bridge, looking up the sky. That night, the weather was really nice.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 22:25
Randomly...
In the book that I'm reading now, the author mentioned, a couple times, that you could tell if someone just lost the person they love. Because they have this raw look. They look raw.
There was this one whole semester in uni, the semester that I got to know Eugene (because we talked about it and he said the way I looked then formed his first impression of me that turned out to be quite different as we got to know each other as good friends) when I turned up for lectures and tutorials with black eyeliner-ed eyes, big silver loop earrings and foundation-covered face. The foundation, honestly, was a shade too fair. I must have looked like Snow White then. With black eyeliner. That was the semester immediately after my... erm, 3rd break up with Desmond.
I tried that look again, in my room, some two years ago. I didn't step out of my house looking like that ever again. Black eyeliner, I still like to use, for that deeper-set-eyes effect. I just couldn't wear the big silver loop earrings again. It just didn't make me look like me.
I wear make up so much more nowadays. Even when I'm really just going for a 1-hour tuition. Greyish-purple eyeshadow if I feel like just being subtle. Longer-lasting green eyeshadow if I feel bold. Pastel coloured eyeshadow (haha, psatel purple or pastel green) if I just wanted to brighten up my eyes. Black or dark brown eyeliner if I wanted to feel a little more eurasian (deeper-set-eyes effect). And always, light foundation and blusher.
I've never really thought about the reason why I tend to be more conscientious in make-up following a break up till this afternoon, while reading the book on the mrt ride. Perhaps, it's my way of masking my already expression-disinclined face. To make myself look more, I don't know, normal and acceptable?
I feel like subtle tomorrow.
xxx
Everytime I visit someone, a friend, a member of the family or a relative at the hospital, I always imagine how painful it must be to have thick needles poking into your veins and being hooked up to all those tubes.
I (touch wood) have never been admitted to a hospital ever since my parents brought me home from Mt Alvernia. My only (horrifying) memory of needles and syringes was the time when I had to go for this medical check up for insurance. It was at a RMG clinic. The doctor was concerned that my (under) weight has been ever so consistent. She was concerned that something's wrong with my thyroid. So, I had to give her what I thought was a large amount of blood drawn from my left arm.
I just stared at how the syringe filled up with my blood as she pulled the plunger. It felt surreal. Like, 'are you sure it's my blood? Am I going to faint?' I remember wondering if my body's gonna be able to reproduce the amount that she so conveniently drew out. And then, imagining how if the body was a container of blood, my blood-mark just dropped substantially.
Urgh. I don't like what's coming to mind now as I blog about this. So, that's it. Take care, Jancy. Keep healthy. And may that good luck keep following me.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 21:37
2 years in a lime green box
I packed the stuff. From her, about us, and everything else about PL too. I decided to put them all together. In my lime green box. Perhaps the most wondrous time in my life so far. Perhaps not. Perhaps, love. Perhaps, just time gone.
Everything. Out of sight. Still in mind. Out of grief. Still in mourning. Out of depression. Still, indifference.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 01:11
I love you, but please die.
Haha. That was the title of the book this character from The Stepford Wives was writing. About her relationship with her mum. I guess it would describe, aptly, the relationship between a daughter-in-law and a MIL.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 01:03
Drama box
My sis went to exchange our old cable tv box set to a digital one. She subscribed to 3 new channels. My parents' friends were sharing too much about the serials on those channels. They asked us about it. We decided to subscribe those channels so that my parents and their friends can have one more common hobby, one more common tv show to be fixated about. Shared 'cultural knowledge' for just a few more dollars on our part.
Probably the system is not updated yet. So, we managed to watch every channel available on cable tv just now. Except demand tv. Watched The Stepford Wives. A woman's desire to be loved turning into insanity. And a lot of delusions. Nice one.
Sang Karaoke tv. Everyone had a chance, from every era. Even my mum got to sing a song or two.
I was never a couch potato. But, I find myself on the sofa a few more times than usual the past week. I just stone there. I just watch tv. I just laugh when I know it's funny. I snack. Healthy stuff. Apples, milk and biscuits. My sis thinks I'm weird.
Strange, that word is being used on me more and more. Weird.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:52
My girls
It's my last session with them today. Jermaine and Isabelle. Jermaine, I've been teaching her for 2 years. Isabelle, for 2 years too. But, I was the tutor for Isabelle's brothers too. I've spent a total of 5 years being their tuition teacher. They've always known me as 'tuition teacher'. I doubt they know my name. Jermaine calls me 'teacher jancy'. Sometimes, she'd call me 'Mummy'. Because her mum has the same name as me. She can be quite an easily confused little girl.
Her mum's sister used to be my sister's tutor. It's a small world.
Aside from returning them all the answer sheets to their assessment books, today was very normal. We did Maths, English compre, cloze passages... corrections.
It's not the first 'last time' in this year. But, my last session with them was an anticipated one. I knew it was coming, I was prepared to finish off the session with the returning of their answer sheets and some advice, suggestion for them to spend their time when they no longer have to sit through tuition with me. I gave out my email and I told them not to be lazy, to email me. They just smiled and said they would. Good enough.
Feel... a little sad. It's been a love-hate relationship. I'd bring them out once every school holiday; they always looked forward to that. 'Cos their parents are usually too busy to bring them out during the holiday. They've told me numerous stories of their siblings, shared with me many funny incidents in school, told me the names of their good friends, complained to me about how cranky their school teacher could be and all those riddles I tried to not be able to guess just so they can regale in giving me the answer. Then, I'd have to bring them back to the work on hand, 'Ok! Let's come back to this now.'
There were times they really pushed me off the tip of my patience threshold. Especially after a long day at work, or during exams when their concentration level would fluctuate very severely. 'You are not thinking hard enough! I'm NOT going to tell you the answer. You think!' And the sullen faces. And a lot, a lot of deep breaths. Mine. There were a few times I got so stressed I felt like crying after finishing tuition. Just, so, very drained.
So, today ends it all. They've both done reasonably all right in their last exams. A little of improvement for Jermaine. Isabelle got promoted to the best class of the level next year. My job's done.
No more teacher and student. Next Monday, we are going on an outing to the airport, just as older and little friends. Haha. Because it's a place that they haven't had much chance to go. Because they grimaced when I suggested zoo or Science centre. Because I didn't want to watch any cartoon movie with them. Because I didn't want to bring them to the library again.
It's ok. I don't really mind if they forget me as they grow up. For now till next Mon, we are all looking forward to Changi Airport. That's good enough.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:25
December 10, 2006
Be back for me?
I suddenly had this feeling that I just might end up getting married within the next 2 years. I guess this was right after a wave of tiredness came into me. I felt a desire to be taken care of.
Then, I felt maybe I'd get married within the next 2 years. Either a private wedding (because homo marriages are not legalised here, yet) or a legal-procedured wedding. Whichever.
Then, I thought of the people who are going to have to be at my wedding. I wondered if Wenn will come back for my wedding if she's still working overseas then. I think, I will just emotionally blackmail her to be back IF she even hints that she can't make it back. No, maybe I won't resort to that. But, I would really like her to be at my wedding.
Get it, bblics? I will definitely be there for yours too. Even if I have to agonise through hours of loneliness in the air.
xxx
Just for the record, I would really like for A LOT of people to be at my wedding. I can't even start listing you guys down...
If it really happens, then... I guess I'd have to do an invite list. But, now, it's just a feeling.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:54
Dreams - My other reality
The dream began with a meal, somewhere. With Kay. It's her, all right. Her face, her voice, her. But, the next scene would be Wenn's face, Wenn's voice. But, it's still Kay. I knew it's still Kay.
She told me to hold her hand. I was afraid. I didn't know why she would want me to do that. I knew we were not together already. In my dream, I knew. I did as she told me to. I held her hand loosely. But, she told me to hold it tight and that she missed me, she missed holding my hand. I broke into a smile.
I asked her why did she have to wait so long to tell me this if she really missed me. I asked her why must she wait for me to contact her and she didn't take any initiative to contact me?
She didn't say anything.
Then, a strange thing happened.
I became conscious that whatever was happening was not real. I knew, when I was still dreaming it, that it was not real. It was a dream. And, frantic, I told her to write what she said about missing me down. Write it down so that I can see the words and words are real. Then, I can deny that it was a dream. She was just very puzzled. Like, she didn't know what I was talking about. Obviously.
Then, the dream faded away and I woke up.
xxx
The dream began with Apple and Shaun getting ready for their first march-in. The emcee was Hendra, Apple's friend. I was wondering how come Lily (Apple's friend too) was not there. She was supposed to be the female emcee. Anyway, it was all right.
I cued the banquet manager to get ready to open the door for their march-in. Then, I saw bowls of peanuts, large bowls of peanuts being served. I was thinking, this is a wedding banquet. Who serves peanuts at a weddin banquet?
Apple and Shaun marched in, looked at the peanuts and noticed that the guests were almost not there. Apple was just speechless.
Then, that strange thing happened again.
I became conscious that it was a dream. I looked around and I realised, when I was still dreaming it, that it was a dream. I felt relieved. I told Apple that it was just my dream. Nothing to worry about at all. Apple looked at me, not understanding. Obviously, again.
Then, the dream faded away and I woke up.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:12
December 08, 2006
She's called Saintnity.
Just don't ask unimportant questions like, 'how do you know it's a she?' I just want it that way. Sometimes, if I feel I need male presense, I may call it a he. But the name remains. It's 'Saintnity.'
Most expensive commodity I ever bought... and one that is bound to depreciate in value from the second I bought it. It doesn't make a lot of sense at all to tell myself it's an investment. But, of course it is.
Because Saintnity sits on my lap now as I blog about her. And she will be here with me through those long, cold, lonely nights when I might just choose to rewatch some scenes from LoTR or just choose to email a friend in the mid of night or when I feel like spending a quiet Sunday afternoon writing in some cafe... haha... Before her weight really weighs me down.
So far so good. So far so good.
My new toy. My toshiba notebook. Yay!
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:41
Monster Inc
First, Vain one said her work has made her into a monster (and she doesn't want that to continue happening any longer). Then, Fierce one said she made him into a monster (seeing herself in him). And Blur one has to add that working with the people she had to work with is making a thief out of her (and she's still learning so that she can surpass them).
How did it happen? What has been made out of me? Who made it so?
A saint. Only by my own standard. I feel like my middle name is 'indifference'.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:35
This rare afternoon
I really love being in the company of good friends and each of us doing our own stuff (be it working, surfing net, reading) and only looking up from our own distraction tool to ask an occasional question, share a gossip or two.
It's the feeling of being there for each other but not exactly together.
xxx
I could have just walked out of my room, logged onto msn from the desktop in the living room and the three of us could start msning one another. When we were actually just five baby steps from one another. How boliao! But that will be fun. The secretive message being sent from one another without letting the other know. Even if we were in reality, five baby steps from one another.
xxx
So, it was a lovely afternoon. We didn't go out to be taitai, blogging away at some wireless-enabled cafe. We merely stayed home. Home, in my house. Office, in my house too. Then, a nice dinner and nice dessert.
I didn't notice how time passed at all. I hope it helped to make today more bearable for you too, my dear friend.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:22
December 05, 2006
Lost in Longitude
These are the snippets I found written on my notebook throughout the trip. Strength, it has nothing to fight against the beginning.
And everywhere you turn, the walls knock you down. It's to say you can't have access, or even you don't belong.
The others tapped, ever so gently. But you don't hear. Even if they crashed your world.
Look where you are now. Still at the beginning.
xxx
What if Snow White never ate the apple?
What if the prince never found her?
What if the frog didn't turn out to be a prince?
What if Cinderella didn't get to try the glass slippers?
What if Aladdin didn't have any magical carpet?
What if I never fell in love with you?
What if I can't stop loving you?
What if I don't want to?
What if you don't love me anymore but I still love you?
What if the world keeps spinning but time has stopped?
What if forever came and gone and we didn't even know it?
What if you were with me on this flight?
What if this flight is bound for Chiang Mai and not Hong Kong?
What if none of these 'what if's would ever matter?
Where am I heading to?
xxx
So, I have come, I have seen and I may have felt small. But I felt no connection. Just the voices around me drowning me out. The speed of the camera shutters and the countdown before the flash. All in a language that is not mine to speak.
How futile this is. To stay and see all these. But I did feel like crying, whether for disappointment or relief, I do not know. I've said my prayers, asked for a purpose. But somehow, I'm not even sure this time, he will hear.
xxx
I just put down the book that I've started reading just before this trip. It's Meisen's book. God lent me the book.
I was on page 96.
Joan Didion told her daughter, 'You're safe. I'm here.'
Quintana asked, 'When do you have to leave?'
She replied, 'I would not leave until we could leave together.'
And then, I started to tear.
Words are real. Words are very powerful in, and in spite of, its simplicity.
It's a very powerful book. Absolutely sad and absolutely emotional. At this point in time, I really don't feel like finish reading it. Not because it makes me feel extremely sad. But because I'm afraid of what I'd not be able to read after I finished this book. Just like, why I cried in the last installment of LoTR. After this, there will be no more.
God, I thought Foer was sad enough. This one's speechlessly so. What's next?
xxx
1. I don't like the sound that this flight makes. It's very noisy. For three and half hours.
2. I'm getting paranoid about 2 persons of the same sex travelling together. No. Specifically, 2 guys travelling together. I keep wondering if they are gays. And more. I keep contemplating a conversation with them. And more. I keep thinking if I do strike up a conversation with them, maybe I should make it known that I'm a bisexual. Ridiculous. I'm seated on the same row on the plane with 2 guys now. I'm getting ridiculous.
3. I'm thinking of getting JJ Lin Jun Jie's album. Correction. I'm thinking of getting more of his songs. Mp3? Like his voice. At this point of my life, it's soothing and calming, his voice. And he's quite cute, actually. Just not my cuppa tea. Too boyish-looking.
4. I'm thinking of my virgin laptop at Wenn's house. Copper or orange? I had left the colour for my best friend to decide. One of the rare few surprises that I'm anticipating nowadays. I'm so looking forward to my new toy! Most expensive commodity I ever bought. One month's take-home pay.
5. A guy I haven't been contacting for the past 3 or 4 years texted me while I was in the mid of brunch chat with Kyn today. I knew him from IRC, maybe 7 years ago. He informed me he's getting married soon. I said I'd text him when I get back to Singapore. I'm just wondering if he's actually trying to invite me to his wedding. If he was, he didn't mention any such intention at all. If he's not, why would anyone text a person just to inform her that he's getting married? I mean, we weren't even like friends. Just well, IRC chatmates? I think I'd really text him tomorrow.
6. The song "Home" by Micheal Buble keeps ringing in my mind. Makes me feel like crying. Why have we ceased to be a part of each other's home?
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 15:11
December 04, 2006
Breakfast at 9am
is not happening. Because I'm still waiting for Kyn to get ready. So, I thought I'd just check my cobwebbed email account, where I have a whole list of 'Word of the Day' from dictionary.com, that I subscribed to long ago. And unsubscribed too, long ago.
I picked one to share. Here it goes...
Word of the Day for Sunday September 19, 2004
calumny \KAL-uhm-nee\, noun:
1. False accusation of a crime or offense, intended to injure
another's reputation.
2. Malicious misrepresentation; slander.
Usage: Be thou as chaste as ice, as pure as snow, thou shalt not
escape calumny. --Shakespeare, [3]Hamlet
Got it?
Delifrance's on the menu for breakfast. Kyn is such a PITA when it comes to eating. No joke. hahaha...
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 09:03
December 01, 2006
This could be for good.
Hey, I just enjoy doing this. Dropping all these little notes to my friends before I fly off to anywhere at all. No, I'm only gone for a very short 4 days. Not long at all.
But I just enjoy doing this. Making it sound like I'm gone for a very, very long time. I just enjoy entertaining the thought that this might be for good. I just like feeling as if I'd not return here for another 200 years. I just like believing that my emotional baggage will sink me in the mid of whichever ocean and I'd not be found till Johnny Depp's next Pirates of the Carribbean III.
And if it really happened, for good, then, you know what, it's such a bittersweet finale of the ironies that have hung around.
But... Saints never die. They just go back to where they belonged. I don't know where, but I'm sure I have the address somewhere... if you wanna send me a postcard from Earth.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 01:37
And you on leave...
Rest a lot, slap on some moisturizer (make sure it's intensive), have massages, read, think, write. Maybe, fall in love. And beat everyone else in this weddin season. hehe
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 01:35
New toy!
I'm sooo looking forward to my new toy too! Right after I'm back. Thank you, sweet MM bride! hee... The place is not near but you offered to help me so readily. So sweet of you! I promise to deliver your 'token of missing her' to Kyn.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 01:33
The next 3 nights
will be superbly hilarious and eye-rollingly lame with you. I just know it.
But, you've been so sweet to put me up and make the effort to get back even though I've to wait till the cows come home with you.
But it's ok. I'm dying to know about your new underaged beau. haha...
"She's not underaged... just young."
Ya, right.
xxx
will be cold and warm, warm but heavy, heavy and lonely, lonely but peaceful.
And then, i'd just be broke till the next payday.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 01:26
Engaged
I'd not be there to share your nervousness as you exchange engagement gifts with him on Saturday. But I share your joy. I shared in preparing a little part of the gift too! I hope the handle of the basket's still looking good and not like ant-infested or like London Bridge (is falling down).
All the best, my dear.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 01:23
Run
I'd not be there to cheer you on for your run on Sunday. I had wanted to be there very much. But, doesn't matter that I can't now. Have fun, my dear. With her. Have fun.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 01:21